Taking a step back from things, I have deepened my appreciation for life. Every day seems like a fight but when I come home and can put my feet up I can smile and be proud (despite me almost being in tears some days). It's a thrill of sorts to own your own business, but then again so is bungee jumping into a spiked pit where you calculate the cord will spring you back up an inch from the spike tips. I love what I do and am very blessed to be able to share it with the people I do. It is my sustenance, it is my occupation, it is an extension of myself. It requires attention, nurturing, and feeding like anything else and if done properly returns love much like a child. But it is a ceaseless project. There is no memory day to day, only a "what will you give me now daddy" as if yesterday never counted.
What is also tough is that the shop is the vast majority of my social pool let alone workplace so I see the same people every day in or out of the place. This isn't to say that I think I have crappy friends, but after putting in hours at a place you are beholden to (unlike working for someone else where you can quit if you'd like or can come home to a different social network) then hanging out with the same people you just sort of crave more choices in life. Yes, technically nothing is stopping me from just driving to South Dakota for a week and bum around a state I've never been to, but I'm using the context of practicality here.
There are times that I feel inadequate deep-down, sometimes I am paranoid. Am I making the right choices? Am I doing what needs done? Why did I just blow up there? Did I remember to order this product in time for that event? Am I going to get sued? Am I going to go out of business? How much in taxes do I owe? What happens if I can't pay rent again? Did I upset or alienate someone?
Those are my biggest fears...that and dying. Ever since dad died I have been very concerned to the point where I don't sleep some nights because the thought paralyzes me. Fortunately there is enough of a distraction around to hold me over until I rationalize things down to a manageable level.
It's easy to say "we should do this, he shouldn't do that, she is bla bla bla" when you are younger and taken care of. When other people make the bad things go away and solve the hard decisions for you. Where you live without consequence and from your lifestyle you think you know better what is good for everyone else (and to see individuals as groups instead of just that...individuals). I think this is why I can never be a liberal, I actually have to live my own life and have the desire to help my community do the same so they can be independent persons and not a category. Again without getting into politics and sticking to facts, when you have to abide by the tax code, when you are forced to follow a certain regulation, or when you are just trying to make a damn living and other people want to hurt that by forcing you to do what they think is good and right...it's enough to make a person really sour. But that's my fierce spirit, my I-don't-take-crap approach insomuch as I can enforce it. It's different when you are on the other side of the counter, the paycheck, the burden of responsibility. I encourage you all to try it sometime.
Hmmm...I suppose if I were to tl;dr this it would be: "I enjoy what I do despite its many hardships." It is rewarding lest I wouldn't actually continue but sometimes a good vent to let out the frustration, anger, sadness, apprehension, and just to emotionally BREATHE and not have to be so socially/business balanced. So here is my hair let down if only for a little while.
Enjoy a random picture.